Forever Remembered
by ArtemisPrime
Summary: Mal makes the visit he most does not want to make. Set post BDM. Chapter two: Zoe reacts. Chapter three: Inara faces herself. Chapter four: Simon ponders.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: all things Firefly/Serenity are the property of Whedon et al. I'm not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

Sunday's Child - by ArtemisPrime

You were born on a Sunday. Your ma told me that. She told me near on everything there was to know about you. She smiled so wide when she talked of your finishing secondary school. First one since comin' to Beylix almost a hundred years ago. The pride on her face shone so bright I swore I was looking at you. Knew at that juncture where your light came from.

But when your father came in, her smile vanished, replaced with tight lips and wrinkled brows. Her hands latched together, knuckles turnin' white. She looked down to them as her husband crashed through the kitchen, slammin' glasses and turning faucet knobs so hard they nearly broke.

I nearly broke.

Wasn't ever one for a whole lotta words, leastways not until Miranda. Made many a speech for that little piece of horror. Found myself now without words, without voice and it scared the go se outta me.

I heard the girl before I saw her peek her head over the kitchen window, brown strands catching the light wind and crossed her face. Brown eyes widened then crinkled like she had some gorramn secret. She ducked and scurried away.

The shaking table brought me back to the here and the man who now sat at it, jaw hard and face harder. His throat gulped at the water loudly and I could see his eyes shut up tight. He finished, dropped the glass and took a deep breath.

I waited for the storm.

"Tomorrow's the fourteenth," he said, looking to the woman.

She nodded, knowing what he meant. Her fingers carefully found their way into his hands and he held them tighter'n he held that glass. Pained, sufferin' eyes found mine and I had to look away.

"You'll be there," he said in that voice that left no room for arguing. "Say some words," his voice hitched, "about my little girl."

"Yes, sir." I looked back up. Hadn't called anyone sir since the war.

He nodded once then rose from the chair, his lumbering steps reverberating through the wooden floor.

"He doesn't blame you," her soft voice spoke, a sharp contrast to the harshness of those boots. "But he doesn't much like you right now."

What the hell was I supposed to say to that? "No, ma'am. Reckon I wouldn't were I in his place." I bit my tongue. Ass! Can't possibly know what it would be like to be in his place. Didn't want to ever know what it was like to lose a daughter.

She smiled a little then rose and placed the empty glass in the sink. The open window ushered in the wind and I saw the tiny curl of her lips curl. "She loved t'play. Always runnin' as a child. Couldn't get her to walk nowhere." She swallowed and blinked. "She'd be too eager t'see what was around the corner or behind the tree."

I felt my eyes burn with tears that I was determined would not fall. That's how it happened. Walked right into it, around the corner and that was it.

I stood hastily, wanting so much to say how sorry I was, how much I coulda wished I'd been first around that corner. Hadn't been much good in my life since the war, not much worth livin' on. Seemed all manner of wrong for me to keep living mine when she had everything to look forward to and now she didn't. If I coulda changed places...

Bolting through the kitchen door to the outside, mumblin' some sorta adieu, I took three long strides before leaning against the shingles linin' the side of the house. My body slumped as I tried to breathe and I let myself go, feeling the dew covered ground soak my knees.

Her feet were bare, like always, as they stood before me. I saw the hem of her skirt crumple as she knelt, her head turned and her eyes big and bright. "You're wet," she said simply.

I angrily wiped my cheeks and attempted to look a bit more an authority figure. Knew I was failing when she continued.

"Don't need to be the Captain here." She reached a small hand to my shoulder and the strength that came from it nearly knocked me over.

Li'l Albatross was reading my mind, could see the scenario that wouldn't leave my brain and she felt all the emotions swirlin' around. She didn't say anything, just sorta looked at me, telling me that she knew on that level that only she could know.

But it only went just the one way. I needed to know.

Without thought, I clasped her hand on my shoulder and straightened. "She in a good place?"

That little smile crossed her lips. "Yes. Misses us." With barely a twitch, her expression saddened and she began to cry. Grasping at my shirt, she buried her face and wept so quiet I couldn't hear her. But I felt her shake and I felt those hands tear the fabric.

My arms went around her natural as could be. She shifted herself, her arms matching mine in a clutch 'round back. She squeezed, let her hands release and I felt her palms press into my back. She kept pushin' in until I felt the air forced from my lungs.

And what came out was the sadness and grief I'd been storing up since that day.

You died on a Sunday.


	2. Chapter 2

Deeper Than Bone - by ArtemisPrime

Disclaimer: all things Firefly/Serenity are the property of Whedon et al. I'm not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

0000

Your name is still above the hatch and it hurts me every time I look at it. Too many memories assault me whenever I see that flower or butterfly. I want to tear it down and toss it out the airlock along with all the other emotions in a giant scream.

Sometimes I want to join the sign and just let myself be nothing.

But you wouldn't like that very much. You'd say some such about life being for living and making the best of a bad situation. Didn't matter how bad, there was always some good come of it.

Like when Tracey had taken you hostage. I saw the fear in your eyes as I climbed those steps, quiet and smooth. Jayne and the Captain had seen it, too. But when we landed and you walked sure as could be to his folks and passed them that recording, then grasped Simon's hand, you'd found the good. Tracey'd brought you two together.

I remember watching you both those early weeks after Miranda, my heart aching with each shared glance and whisper. The quiet touches when you thought no one was watching were so different from how things were with Wash and me. He was never one for stealth and I suppose that was something I loved about him.

He had been loud, boisterous and more than ready to display affection. Kind of like you, just a little.

But he never painted little flowers over the hatch to our bunk. Never jerry-rigged a hammock in the cockpit. Never had time to register the wood that had taken his life.

I did. Felt it beyond my bones, deep into my being. And it paralysed me.

"Zoe?" I heard Simon's voice.

With a blink and turn, I faced the doctor.

"I need..." He hesitated then pointed an unsteady finger towards the hatch. "Her things." He clenched his lips between his teeth.

I nodded. Your family wanted your effects. Wanted whatever they could have of you, though I doubt they had in mind that frou-frou dress. I would have smiled, but Simon's wounded expression held me back.

Stepping away, I watched him make the careful descent into your bunk. I didn't know why, but I followed him. It was then that I realised that I hadn't ever been in there before.

It was completely you. Fun, colourful and full of little bits that made such a unique whole. I couldn't have imagined your bunk any other way.

Simon looked to me for a moment, unsure why I was with him, but he had the sense to remain quiet. Going to where he needed, he found the captures you had of your family and the spare set of tools you kept under your cot. I heard his hitched breath as he looked at those instruments, heavier and bulkier than his own, but accomplishing the same thing.

You both fixed what needed fixing and were very good at it.

He strode past me quickly and I could see his eyes glazing over. Being here was painful to him. You understand that, don't you? You know that he loved - loves - you, in his way. Being in this place, still able to smell the engine grease and strawberry shampoo, was torture for the Doctor. But because he loves you, he came here. He'll do what needs doing because that's the kind of man he is. He'll give his respects to your family because he thinks of them as his own.

I didn't know how to say good-bye properly to you. You weren't a fellow soldier, nor a spouse. For them, I know how to mourn. But friends? It has been so long since I'd had one that I don't know quite what to do. So forgive me if I make a mistake along the way.

When I felt ready to leave, I gripped the rungs and slowly climbed out, letting the image of your warm and coloured space linger into my head. Standing at the entrance once again, I was aware of Simon. He held your sign.

"I don't know what she'd wanted you to have…" He blinked a few times. "It's just that, you seem to like this. I thought perhaps..." He looked at it before handing it over.

Taking a step to him, I grasped the marker then carefully replaced it above your hatch. "Don't seem right anywhere else," I said, moving back.

Simon stood next to me then and I knew he was watching me, looking for some indication that I was going to break down at any moment. I smiled and turned. And he knew, your man did, what my eyes were telling him.

Draping my arm around his shoulders, we began the walk to the little house with the shingled siding, to give your family their daughter back.

You may not be with us anymore, but you would never leave us.


	3. Chapter 3

Fear Is In Us All - by ArtemisPrime

Disclaimer: all things Firefly/Serenity are the property of Whedon et al. I'm not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

0000

When I reached for the fourth incense stick, I knew my meditation to be a fruitless venture. Perhaps you would have laughed or asked me to do something else, most probably to brush your hair.

I could see you, if I shut my eyes, relaxing into those strokes. We would talk of nothing significant, not until Doctor Tam arrived. And then there was little else to speak of.

I swung my hand across the small shelf and relished the sound of the candles clattering to the floor. I stared at the dishevelled mess and for the first time since coming aboard, laughed at the chaos.

And then I cursed myself for letting the laughter out. I grasped the nearest statue and threw it awkwardly at the far wall, knocking down the hanging. The echo of it crashing filled the shuttle; the ensuing silence deafened me more. I craved noise, disorder, anything but serenity. Glancing at the effects filling my shuttle, I could not help but be disgusted by it all.

Everything had been ordered, carefully placed, carefully chosen to exude a mood and a feel. Men felt at ease in this space, let their guards down. I scoffed. My guard was at its highest in this little craft. It had to be.

I moved to grab another piece of anything to throw, when I felt the ship turn. It was enough to knock me off balance, landing on the floor. The tea cup I held was now broken and had cut into my skin. Sliding myself back to lean against the settee, I stared at the blood now beginning to appear and trickle out of the small break in my flesh. It was such a different colour of red.

I had immersed myself in red in this shuttle. It hung from the walls in shimmering tapestries, coloured the sticks of candles and covered the wooden boxes. It was all suddenly harsh and constricting.

I drowned in it. Images flashed through my head of Simon's blood, hot, dark and thick escaping from the bullet hole in his abdomen. My hands became so slick in it, I could barely hold the syringe to inject him with the prescribed medicine.

It was a different kind of blood than the one that gave life to Petaline's little boy. That had been soft, warm and smooth to allow for the emergence of the child. That blood had brought life.

Drawing my knees up, I felt the pull as the fabric of my dress strained. Companions were not to sit this way, cowering on the floor like children. Refinement, Inara. Show the pride and tradition of being a companion to those around you and to yourself.

I would have chuckled, but a cry won out.

Dropping the broken pieces of porcelain, I heaved deep sobs. Fat tears rolled in a continuous stream down my cheeks, smudging my make-up, I knew. It didn't matter now, you knew that, didn't you? Didn't matter if I prayed to Buddha or to God, we all ended up in the same place.

Alone.

It was with the next shudder that I finally understood. I would wonder sometimes, how it was that you knew this ship. A clink here or a rumble there and you could find and fix the problem. "My girl" you would say, making this ship more than just steel and wires. She was yours no matter what the registration papers said.

But with that shudder, my hands fell to my sides to steady me and I felt the ship. For the first time, I could feel her like I could feel a client's heated skin or heartbeat quicken. I understood on a level beyond archaic definitions that she was alive.

And she missed you.

I don't know how long I sat that way, my hands splayed out next to me on the floor, but it didn't matter. I was feeling the ship and keeping you alive through her.

The blood had stopped and dried on my hand when the knock at the door came. Opening my eyes, I saw Mal's bewildered and sorrowed features. I'd become accustomed to the permanent sadness etched on his face. No one blames you for that.

He knelt near me, his hand hovering near my cheek and I knew he wanted to brush away the onyx streaks. With barely a move, I leaned into his hand.

Serenity sighed then began to hum softly. A whisper of air tickled my ear. Was that you?

He grasped my hand and pulled me up, his eyes never leaving mine. You would have found it terribly romantic, but I was embarrassed and scared. He held my bloody hand in his own, mentioning something about seeing the doctor. I couldn't hear his words; his eyes were all I could listen to. And in them I saw pain and anger.

With a little push, I saw love in them. For this ship. For me. For you.

He saw me then and attempted his Mal way of trying to cover up. His lips cocked into that familiar roguish smile and little crinkles formed around those eyes. He lightly patted my hand and I let him. Wouldn't you have been proud of me?

I couldn't stop the words, they escaped before I could call them back. "I love you."

The shuttle went still; Serenity became quiet. I cursed my foolishness and was about to turn when Mal's gentle fingers ran up my arm. I shivered, but not for the touch. Your glow was there, back in his eyes. I saw your smile.

He kissed me deeply, passionately, and I could feel Serenity humming inside me.

I was no longer alone.


	4. Chapter 4

Just Like Always - by ArtemisPrime

Disclaimer: all things Firefly/Serenity are the property of Whedon et al. I'm not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

00000

You smiled at me. It wasn't the smile you gave to the Captain or to Inara. It was the one for me. I learned to recognise it very quickly; you offered it so freely to me so often I would had to have been blind to miss it. I may have been blind about you for a long time, but not about that. That smile was joy and happiness and a little mix of awe.

I know I tend to put people off. I'd said as much to Zoe at the Bessie exhibit. Did you ever forgive me for that? I always wondered.

Talking to girls, to women, was just so difficult for me. So much of my life was devoted to learning and school that I had little time to learn the finer social intricacies. I'm sure that my mother was disappointed, but she doesn't count anymore.

Not until I met you did I permit myself explore the emotion of love for a woman. After Miranda, it became natural. We had shared so much in that short time. Both of us came so remarkably close to death, shadowed it, that we couldn't help but be different. You came to me and I allowed myself to welcome you. You allowed me into your sanctuary and I worshipped.

Here, now, though, I have nowhere to go. The med lab was is painfully empty and sterile. I am continually cold and fear that I will never be warm again. I think I understand Zoe better now.

The Captain's voice announcing dinner made me drop my vial and I watched the shattered pieces of glass splay across the floor. I knelt and began gathering them, not thinking to sweep them up. A moment later, I was holding my finger to my mouth to capture the blood.

No one commented on my bandaged finger; I doubt anyone even noticed. Talk was light, superficial and I missed most of it. Your chair was empty, again.

"Doc?"

I jerked my head to the end of the table and Mal's expectant face. "Yes?"

Mal eyed me, then continued. "Think you can convince your sister?"

"Of what?"

He got that look then, the one he uses when he has to repeat himself or is speaking to an idiot. "To leave the engine room and come earn her pay on the job I got lined up?"

I scratched at my ear. "I'll try, Captain, but River can be stubborn sometimes."

"That's why I'm asking you, Doc. Figure you might have more pull than captains giving orders." It was funny to think that not even Mal could get River out of the engine room. She loved it in there, had said it was quiet. That had left Mal and Zoe to do most of the piloting. On occasion, she would remove herself and pull off some sort of miracle to get the ship down, otherwise, she stayed put.

"I'll see what I can do," I sighed.

Mal nodded once then finished his meal. We all did. The table had become so silent that it was nearly painful to eat. Mal had tried, earlier, to bring out some sort of conversation, but with River in the engine room, Zoe being as close-mouthed as ever and Jayne, well seeing as it was Jayne the untrained ape (I'm sorry, bao bei. You're right. That wasn't nice.), conversation had pretty much ground to a halt. Only when Inara was with us did we get any wordplay. Even that was dimmed.

It was my turn to clean up and I was once again alone. Funny how I had spent the first eight months aboard Serenity wanting nothing more than to be left alone and now all I wanted was to be surrounded by people. By you.

The ship was bucking a little as we began our landing. Given that River hadn't scampered to the cockpit, I assumed that we would be safely touching ground. Opening a cabinet, I moved to put away a glass when another shake jarred me. The mug in the cabinet rolled forward and was set to crash to the floor when I saw the large hand grab it. The speed astounded me and I looked left to see Jayne, cradling that mug. His face was soft and pained. Looking at the cup, I understood why.

It was one of the cheapest pieces of china I had ever laid eyes on. The garish flowers hurt my eyes and there was no sense of design in the vine that was painted around the circumference. It was one of those pieces that was trying to look expensive and failed miserably.

You had loved that thing.

"Thanks," I said quietly and reached for it. Jayne lifted his head and I wondered for a moment if he was going to kill me. He looked as though I was trying to steal his first born child. He blinked then held his hand out. "Thanks," I repeated. "She'd have killed me if I had let this break." Oh God.

It's so easy to forget that you're not here. Please, forgive me if it happens.

Jayne pulled the blue bottle from his locker and lumbered his way to his bunk, the ritual repeated again tonight.

The ship shook again and River came bounding through the galley towards the bridge. I realised that our landing might be less than comfortable. Mal's voice over the comm confirmed it when he told us to strap in.

Don't worry, qing ren, your girl will make it through. Just like always.


End file.
